Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Hortense the Horrible Hag

When I was in third grade I had this awful teacher who I'm pretty sure was a witch. She was old, ugly and evil. She was the kind of mean spiteful teacher that you see in Roald Dahl story. Think Miss Trunchbull from Matilda. No, she never put me in the Chokey, but she made my entire third grade year feel like a Chokey. She even had a Roald Dahl villain name, Hortense Hair. Perhaps being given a name like that is apart of the reason why she turned out to be such a terrible teacher. I imagine she had a favorite student to pick on every year but in 1994/1995, I was her target. Other students noticed and made comments to me privately about how they also weren't sure why she treated me differently, but they dare not have spoken out about it. She had a general meanness that no kid wanted to aggravate.

Last night I went to a local arcade that's been around since the late 70's called Funland with my Mom and two little cousins. It's known for being covered wall to wall with loud neon clown imagery. Being there reminded me of a Hortense the Horrible Hag story, which inevitably leads to me reminisce about all of them. Being a 10 year old mortal enemies with a 70 year woman should be a thing of fairy tales not a daily routine that will haunt the child well into her 20's. One day we had an assignment that I guess I misunderstood. It was writing project about a clown. I can't remember his name, but let's call him "Jacko". There was a list of words and were supposed to write a short story using those words. I was under the impression that "Jacko" was an example and that we were supposed to write our own original story. So I wrote about a subject I always like, GIRL clowns, which there aren't enough of. I always thought that women seem less menacing and fewer people would be scared of lady clowns so why is it so rare you see them? I was still at an age where I loved clowns so it seemed like an appropriate subject. I wrote a story about Sassy the Clown, because she was Sassay. She had unicorns, living teddy bears, hot pink yarn hair and was always on the outs with the boy clowns. Well, I was wrong about the project. Everyone else wrote about "Jacko", and rather than just taking points of or GOD FORBID letting it slide since I still used all of the same words in my (much more imaginative) story. She proceeded to scowl at me while reading it allowed to the entire class making a point to repeatedly say that the person *shifts crooked eyes at me* who wrote this obviously doesn't know how to follow directions, before inevitably drawing a big red 0 on it. I believe that was the day I asked her after school why she hated me, she kept her eyes down at her desk and brushed off my question with an "I don't know what you're talking about". Like that's a proper way to respond to a question like that anyway.

Perhaps this should be a story for my private journal but I felt like sharing it here since it's about witches and clowns. I've built the life I live around imagination. Those aspects of my personality which were still in early stages of development were under attack. Maybe I had my head in the clouds, but why shouldn't I have? Your 10 year old school career shouldn't play out like a rigid boot camp. And your teacher shouldn't act like the fucking Gestapo. My interests at the time included India, the vintage stuffed animal collection I had just started, building forts, pretending to be a princess, writing in my diary and drawing mermaids. Having a personality was strictly verboten. I was a burdenless kid and I felt like she wanted to tear that down. I suppose she failed, though she left me with a lot to think about. Mostly about what I hoped to never be.

Thinking about all of this reminded me another Hortense Hair story that makes me smile. It was around Halloween and we were given a worksheet with a witch on it. And wouldn't you know, the witch was named "Hortense the Horrible Hag"! I was one of the few students who knew her first name because my Mom had to call her to bitch her out so many times. After she gave the instructions she asked if anyone had any questions. Not even knowing what I was going to say, I raised my hand as knee jerk reaction. She glared at me with the wrath of Satan himself, scrunched up her shriveled lips and shook her head "NO!". She knew exactly what I was thinking. Perhaps this is why she hated me? Maybe I was the only one who knew she was a witch.

Things that come up when you google image search for "Hortense Hair"....


And BEST of all....

This looks JUST like her. Amazing.

So how did it end? She was old and died of natural causes a few years later. I wasn't really effected by that obituary. I was glad she didn't have some terrible ailment but there was a strange sense of relief that she wouldn't be around to torment anymore children. Is that wrong? How do you mourn the Hitler of elementary school teachers?

I grew up and managed to forget everything I learned in that class except a few lessons of morality based on the strange isolation and punishment I had to endure. It's amazing how a a great teacher can effect you in wonderful ways. You remember their warmth and take it with you. A bad teacher leaves you with an antipathy that you won't forget. People like that are the example of what I know will never be so in that respect Hortense Hair served her purpose in my life and can now be filed back away in my memory bank along with Sassy the Clown.

Friday, July 23, 2010

woe is me

you know what is NOT magical? Old garlic and cat piss. Maybe if I were a gypsy alchemist but as it is I'm tired of my apartment smelling like butthole.

I've been craving a plain boiled potatoes with a pad of butter for a week. I have potatoes. I have butter, I have no potato peeler though and I'm not about to eat some nasty boiled tater skinz.

I got a Samsung netbook today!! My old craptop was on it's last leg. I needed a change. I love this little guy!

Wowie, I've had a long day. I think it's time to eat potatoes and watch Battle Fever J

Monday, July 19, 2010

purrfect honeymoon

tiny friends

Last night I dreamt that these weird little bugs were swarming around my head. I was with my Mom and she was really freaked out by them. She thought they were locusts or something. I was unafraid, I reached my hand out and several of them landed on me, then we realized they teeny tiny humminbirds!! Hundreds of them flying all around us!!

Smaller than this even.  Not much longer than an inch. I could feel the aviation of their tiny little wings fanning wind on my hands.

I love coming in contact with creatures from the dreamlands.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Happy Sundae

If I don't watch 'My Boyfriend's Back' soon I'm gonna lose it! My mouth tastes like feet! Not feeling very magical today. Saturn, where are youy?? I've got a hot date tonight with this guy named Artie. Giuseppe is jealous. Egbert is staring at an empty glass with Grimace on it. I was watching Beastmaster but now I'm totally distracted. It's been too long since I've had oolong. I want my pink pigeon friend to come and visit me. 

daintyness is not here. I over did it on the snackers and cracks.


I used to look like this.


Friday, July 16, 2010

Broadway Magic

Last night I was dreaming that I had a special breed of colorful cats. They communicated with my telepathically. They warned me of impending disaster and if I left them today they'd surely die. I think this is probably due to my apprehension for going to my Grandma's today. It was a lovely dream, and playing with these colorful cats was set to this song...

I remember listening to this song a lot on my way to New York for the first time. So I literally associate it with Broadway. I was listening Jem and the Holograms like crazy. That and the All Girl Summer Fun Band really encompassed this magical time in my life! 17 years old, first time in a big city alone, discovering Chinatown! Make no mistakes. Pure unbridled Unicorn Magic.

Hey Handsome!

last pic taken from my favorite blog and BFF forever!

Heartfluttering LOVE OF MY LIFE!

I GOTTA get me one of these!

BY THE WAY, if anyone knows where I can get copies of this show or even more information on it I'd love you forever.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Birth of the Unicorn

In the beginning, there was nothing. Vast emptiness of endless space. Only microscopic dust particles and galactic amoebas bouncing off of each other for eons and eons. Until finally a cinder of cosmos and a whisper of fantasm fused into a bright illuminous star crystal which gestated for another century, and then the first Unicorn was born. She made everything that is magical...

Pterodactyls, Lisa Frank, strawberry milk, rhinestones, Muppet Babies, lychee fruit, Yellow Magic Orchestra, Divine, video toasters, pixies, weird beards, dream weavers, mystic scrolls from the lodge, electric violins, LSD, gryphons, Sailor Moon, Penanggalans, sand worms, Sega Genesis, straight to video Danielle Steele adaptations, Norfin Trolls, Sphinxs, yard sales, Olivia Newton John, Ultraman, Robot Jox, Synergy, Annette Funnicello, megalodons, the Toxic Avenger, Klaus Nomi, Xanadu, super sentai, Russian Fairy tales, A Wrinkle in Time, peacocks, Mothra, Dschingis Kahn, Secret Gardens, Yma Sumac, birds of paradise, glitter, Nikola Tesla, whirling dervish, sword and sorcery, Pizzicato Five, hookers with hearts of gold, David Liebe Hart, Cerebrus, exotica music, Lemuria, Anunnakis, all seeing eyes, cherubs,  Planet X, Hausu, Pheonixs, sparkly eye technique, the 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T, telepathy, JCVD, Piers Anthony, pogs, nail polish, Jem and the Holograms, monkey ninjas, astro turf, gem sweaters, mudskippers, the Amazing Criswell, sea serpents, ice nymphs, woodland creatures, tesseracts, single bullet theories, mix tapes, dancin' & romancin', the halls of Mountain Kings, forbidden planets, forbidden zones, Monoliths, dish frogs, root beer, Burgess Meredith, lasers, Bruceploitation, Fezs, trapper keepers, ring pops, sitars, 3 Devil Adam, Sun Ra, Paper Rad, birthday cake ice cream, Chinese Vampires, Holy Mountains, Medusa, owls, carnival glass, Pee Wee Herman, Gremlins, Munchie, Atomic Caravans, Dr. Herbet West, Nukie, Donovan, crystal skulls, Elves, Toynbee plaques, Moai, Mac Tonight, Space Ghost, the Red Shoes, Chuck E. Cheese, Killer Klowns, Patchwork Girl of Oz, Peanut Butter Solutions, H.R. Pufnstuf, H.P. Lovecraft, and Pipi Longstocking.

And on the last day she said...

Let There Be Cats.
And then she rested. She admired her creations and watched them blossom into new and interesting adventures. Inspiring new ideas and endless resources of creativity. Forever and Ever.